Have you ever been hurt by someone really close to you? Rare is the cut that is deeper than that from a friend or a loved one. There is a reason for that. As we form relationships, we lower our defenses in varying degrees (depending on the kind or relationship). By “defenses” I mean those parts of our psyche we use to protect ourselves from mental or psychological attack from others. The closer you are to someone, the lower your defenses are. The marriage relationship is the closest and in which the defenses are the lowest. Therefore, cutting words or treacherous behavior will do more damage in such a close, “defenseless” relationship.
There are other ways that such harmful words or actions can get in “under” our defenses. A very good friend of mine, who has much more experience in counseling than I, once described to me the concept of the power of the word overheard. What he meant is that to words we overhear, we give more value, for some reason. For example, when I meet a stranger, I’m polite and cordial, but there are some psychological defenses I activate because I don’t know what to expect. I’m not suspicious or expecting trouble, but if he says, “Donnie, you’re just plain ugly,” it’s not going to devastate me. It will hurt my feelings, but I’ll be able to carry on. On the other hand, if he’s just as polite as he can be, but later I overhear him tell someone else, “I didn’t have the heart to say anything, but that Donnie Bates is the ugliest man I ever saw,” for some reason I give his words more credibility, simply because the “attack” came indirectly.
There is still another kind of hurt that may be the worst of all. It’s the pain caused in the body of Christ by Christians who have treacherously turned on their brethren. David wrote, “My heart is in anguish within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me. I said, ‘Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge from the stormy wind and tempest’” (Psalm 55:4-8).
Then, note the source of his anguish: “For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend; we who had sweet fellowship together walked in the house of God in the throng” (Psalm 55:12-14).
Hear how this treacherous brother is described: “He has put forth his hands against those who were at peace with him; he has violated his covenant. His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (Psalm 55:20, 21). when brethren turn on brethen, the result is just awful (see Galatians 5:15).
It doesn’t matter what the source of your pain is. It could be any of the examples we’ve described, or it could be something else. You might be in so much pain you don’t even know the source of it. All you know is…you are in pain! Well, these words ought to help: “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken” (Psalm 55:22).
You say you have a burden to carry? Well, you have help to carry it! You don’t have to carry it alone. What a comfort it is to realize that in your darkest hour, there is One Who is on your side if you are faithfully His.
I hope it eases your mind today, lifts your heart and perhaps puts a smile on your face to know God sees you right now and loves you. It won’t help as much, I know, but I hope it helps a little to know old, ugly Donnie Bates loves you, too.
Donnie Bates